The Life and Death of My Mother

One year ago today I was planning my Mother's funeral with my siblings. It all happened so fast that even now it seems surreal. Sometimes I still can't believe she is gone.

Mom's health had been rapidly failing and she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Three days before her death we met with her doctors to discuss the best treatment options. She was in excruciating pain due to a vascular condition called Boerger's Syndrome that was cutting off circulation to her left hand. The tissue in her fingertips was literally dying. That day they gave her morphine to alleviate the pain, but it barely took the edge off. She had been suffering from this condition for several weeks by then. Her oncologist had the saddest look in his eyes and I could tell he was very concerned - not so much about her cancer, but about her hand. We discussed possible amputation, but that was problematic as it would be difficult to know how much tissue to remove. Mom's primary doctor reviewed her charts - then paused, took Mom's hand into her own, and suggested that we get hospice involved. But none of us were ready for that, least of all Mom. Little did we know that two days later, we would be doing exactly that.

Later that day it became obvious to my sister, who is an RN, that Mom was probably experiencing a stroke. She was having more and more difficulty walking, and her left side was becoming flaccid. But Mom was a mighty tough lady and she continued to fight. I don't know how she kept going, when I look back at all the obstacles she was facing with her health.

The day before she died I was in church with my family and I sensed a strong urgency to call my sister. She said I needed to come back as soon as possible, as she decided to call hospice. I remember feeling so numb, and walking in the hallway of the church as though I were dreaming. Someone stopped me to ask if I was okay - and I blurted out, "My Mother is dying." I could hardly believe the words that had just come out of my mouth. I wasn't ready for this!!

I headed to Mom's that afternoon and my sister and I met with the hospice nurse. How wonderful she was! I knew right away we had made the right decision. It was obvious Mom was having a stroke and that it was "extending" - a word I learned from my sister. We decided to let nature take its course. Mom had faced enough and she had made it clear to us that there were to be no major medical interventions during a situation like this. Wow, is that hard to actually follow through on, though! Part of me wanted to call an ambulance, treat the stroke, amputate her dying tissue - and give her a shot at fighting her cancer. The other part knew that Mom was tired and could not take any more. To have pursued any other medical help besides pain control would have just made her suffer even further.

I decided to stay with Mom that night, even though there was a hospice nurse there. I just needed to be near her. My sister was concerned that I would not sleep, as Mom had not been sleeping hardly at all. I didn't really care, I just could not leave. That evening Mom was up in her recliner, she was very chipper and upbeat - and surprisingly pain-free, for the most part. The hospice nurses were working very hard to stay on top of her pain. We had just moved Mom to her lovely new apartment (an assisted living facility) a couple of weeks before, and she began to look around and see things that needed to be done. She was disgusted with the arrangement on top of her entertainment center ("Who did THAT?" she asked me!) and had me get up on a step stool several times to re-arrange things to her liking. Did I tell you that she was a very particular homemaker? :) I laughingly complied with her requests. Then she said, "We need to clean the apartment really well for all the company that will be coming." I said, "What company, Mom?" And she looked at me rather puzzled, and didn't know what to say. My sister said she thinks Mom knew at that point that she was dying - and the company that would be coming would be her relatives. It was just like her to worry about how the house looked after she was gone!! :)

That night Mom slept through the night, the first good night's sleep she'd had in weeks. I was so happy for her to have finally gotten some rest. She was in a good mood that morning but the stroke was worsening. She could hardly walk any more so we decided to get a bedside bathroom stool for her - and we ordered a hospital bed. She did not like that idea but we were struggling to help her in and out of bed. At one point, I was helping her shift around in her bed and adjusting her pillows. I attempted to move her up on the bed and just could NOT do it. I'd watched my sister (the RN) move Mom around and she made it look easy! After my clumsy attempts, Mom laid back in frustration and dryly quipped, "Elizabeth, it is obvious to me that your calling is teaching." Oh, how my sister and I laughed! That was Mom's sense of humor - sassy and dry and out of nowhere. I loved it.

Her sense of humor remained intact up until she was dying. Throughout the day we had family visiting, two of her sisters in particular. We decided that evening to leave Mom in the care of the hospice nurse and go out to eat at a local chinese buffet. I think Mom was glad for a bit of a break from all the company - and she looked forward to a bit of quiet time. As we left she joked, "You go out and enjoy yourselves. I'll stay right here." So we left her place laughing, in spite of the heaviness that was over all of us.

While we were eating the thought went through my mind, "What if Mom dies while we are gone?" and just then my aunt said the same thing. I quickly dismissed the thought though - none of us fathomed that she could go so quickly. However, when we got back to her place the hospice nurse was deeply concerned. Mom had suddenly turned for the worse and it was obvious she was dying. And she was scared.

At one point I asked for a few moments alone with Mom. I needed to spend some time in prayer with her and I wanted her to be aware of what was going on. Her breathing was labored - and she was frightened. I told her that her time on earth was ending and that at any moment she could be meeting the Lord. I urged her to examine her heart, to be certain she was ready to meet Him. I reminded her that God's word makes it very clear that only through His mercy and grace can we get to heaven - not by our own good works or religion. Then I prayed with Mom, prompting her to accept Christ as her Saviour. I'm so thankful to God that I had that time with her, it was a very precious moment in the midst of a time of despair. I could tell that Mom's breathing and body began to visibly relax after we had prayed.

Within an hour or so the moment we had all been dreading was upon us. Just then her brother called - and as Mom took her last few breaths he said his goodbyes to her over the phone. Literally at that moment Mom's sister walked into the room - spoke a few words - and then Mom was gone. It was over. She spent her last moments alive on this earth with her two daughters, a daughter-in-law, and two of her sisters. I'm so thankful I was there.

Now, one year later, every room of my home reflects my Mother in some way. There is a picture from her, or a knick-knack, or a piece of furniture that we inherited. It is bitter-sweet to have these things.

Her funeral was bitter-sweet as well. But, in typical Mom-fashion, several funny things happened. First off, Mom had picked out an outfit she wanted to be buried in. It was a lovely dress and she even had matching undergarments, shoes and jewelry she wanted to wear. She said she was "Going out in style"! However we could not find her shoes!! Sometime during the confusion of moving her to her new apartment and going through her belongings she had accidentally given the matching shoes away to her sister! So - we buried her in a pair of her favorite slippers. One other thing that happened is we could not find her bottom dentures! I am convinced she hid them on us. The were always in her purse, she did not like wearing them unless she was eating, for some reason they were bothering her. I looked in her purse, my sister looked in her purse - every person who was there searched her apartment top to bottom. The teeth were nowhere to be found. So we had to bury her without her teeth.

Mom had the most beautiful casket, it was a work of art. We all agreed on the same one - it was very "Mom". After we said our final goodbyes to her, all four of us siblings gently lowered the casket lid. For whatever reason, we let go of the lid about an inch or so from shutting - and it snapped shut with a loud echo throughout the church. I was mortified!! We slammed our Mother's casket lid shut!!! Can we have a do-over??

On the way to my brother's house that evening after the funeral I mentioned how much it bothered me that we had slammed Mom's casket lid. My oldest brother said, "Well, the last thing Mom always said to us as we left the house was 'Don't slam the door!' " and we all had a good laugh. It helped to bring that moment into perspective for me.

But what about her teeth? As we packed up Mom's things we all kept an eye out for the missing teeth. It was so odd we could not find them. After all the things were cleared from her apartment, and we had cleaned it from top to bottom, I picked up her purse and looked inside, and (I am not kidding either) there were her missing teeth, in plain sight!! I can't count how many of us looked in her purse for those teeth - and I had looked in there several times myself.

You got the last laugh, Mom. Oh, how I miss you!

19th Wedding Anniversary

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. We were at the wedding of our Pastor's oldest son this past weekend, so that brought back a lot of good memories for both of us.

Nineteen years ago, at this very moment, I was at the hair salon getting my hair done for the day. When I woke up that morning it was pouring rain outside but I was so happy I did not even care! The sun did come out though, although later it got up into the 90's and was very humid. The church did not have air conditioning - and I wore long sleeves that day - but again, I was too happy to even care. Just before the reception it began to rain cats and dogs - and then it began to hail. (Someone told us later that if it rained at your wedding you would be rich, and if it hailed, you would have a lot of kids. Well...you can't have both, I say! So I guess we are rich...in children!!) When we got to the reception the power was out, so someone found a bunch of candles and lit them. My silly Dad jokingly said, "Let there be light!" and just then - the power came on!! He laughed about that for years.

Before we knew it, the reception was over and we were off on our wonderful honeymoon. What a terrific vacation we had together - we went to Fargo for the weekend and then went to Tom William's Christian ranch in the Ozark Mountains. It was beautiful but ugh - I got carsick. A girl from the plains is not used to all the ups and downs of mountain travel!! We spent a glorious week at the beautiful ranch and there was preaching every night. A great way to start a Christian marriage!

I remember all the planning, the excitement, and the decisions we had to make. I was so excited to be getting married and thinking of the "Happily Ever After" that it was almost impossible to fathom that we would ever face any obstacles. I had intentions of being the best wife ever and never having a disagreement with my beloved groom. I must say now that my notions of love and togetherness were very immature - but I suppose that is a good thing. If all married couples could look down the road they would probably run the other way! I do know this much - that all the triumphs and trials have bonded and strengthened Kyle and I. We have weathered many storms together and have become closer through each one. The love I have for my husband now is not the same as it was 19 years ago. It is deeper and stronger and more meaningful than it has ever been.

Someone gave us a card for our wedding where they wrote, "A wedding lasts one day. A marriage lasts a lifetime." I'm so thankful for a Godly husband. I'm so grateful to God that the day I looked into his eyes and made my vows to him that I know he meant his own vows to me with all his heart. When God brings a couple together there is such beauty and strength in it.

I love you honey - through sweet and sour. Happy 19 years together. ~ Your "Phyllis" ~ (As in Phyllis Diller. He called me that our first morning together because my hair was sticking out all over the place!!)

my gastric bypass story

Four months ago today I underwent a laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery to aid in weight loss. This was a decision I had made more than a year prior, when I attended my first informational meeting in January of '07. It took several months of dietician meetings, going over my diet history and weight-loss attempts in the past, and meeting with the surgeon before our insurance finally approved the surgery eleven months later. At that point they were scheduling three months out so I was scheduled for February 6th. However I ended up with a whopping UTI (bladder infection) and got very sick, so the doctor decided to postpone the operation. I was disappointed but also very miserable - and to the point where I didn't care, I just wanted to go home and rest. Anyway, the surgery was scheduled for the following week and I was fine by then, after having gone on antibiotics. The prep for surgery included inserting an IV, which they had a tough time doing. They got one in a precarious spot, but taped it up and decided to leave it. They planned to give me just enough meds to knock me out, then they were going to go "digging" for a better vein. I was glad they decided to do that after I was asleep! When they wheeled me into the operating room and had me lay on the narrow table, with my arms out to the side, it was a little scary. I didn't like the smell of the room and I saw some scary-looking instruments on the tables. The nurses were good about trying to distract me from all that and they gave me something to "relax" me right away. Well, it knocked me out. The next thing I remember was the recovery room and a nurse sternly telling me to "slow down your breathing!". I think she had just removed my breathing tube and I was hyperventilating. Things are very foggy after that, I have brief glimpses of remembering the recovery room, and being wheeled to my hospital room. Kyle was there and I was glad to see him. My pain was under control with morphine and a pain-pump for me to give a little extra as needed. I slept a long time and then decided I needed to go to the bathroom and wanted my catheter out. The idea of this scared me a bit, I guess I thought it would hurt. But it didn't at all, and getting up to the bathroom was a slow process - and uncomfortable. I don't remember overwhelming pain, just discomfort. I spent two more nights in the hospital, gradually went from ice chips to water to broth, then jello and watery hot cereal. I slept the majority of the time I was in the hospital - that morphine wiped me right out. The first night they even had to give me oxygen because my sats kept dropping so low when I would sleep. I think I scared the nurses a couple of times. Hee hee.

All in all the surgery went beautifully and my recovery was so much better than I had anticipated. I did not have out-of-control pain, I did not have vomiting or other complications, but I did follow the protocol quite closely as to how I was supposed to eat post-surgery.

Since last November, when I first began to lose weight to prepare for surgery, up until now, I have lost 55 to 60 pounds. I'm exercising more than I have in years and I feel SO much better. I'm off two of the three blood pressure medications I had been on and I am very pleased with that. My energy levels are much higher too.

My goal with the surgery was to become healthy again, not necessarily get "skinny". I haven't been skinny since the fifth grade so I'm not going to kid myself with some unrealistic illusion of thinness. I come from tough polish, german, irish and french stock - the women in our family are built like barrells - so there is no thin waif that exists inside of my body. My body was meant to birth children, clear a field, milk a cow and churn butter. And my ancestors probably did all those things in one day!

So, if there is anyone out there who is considering this surgery, most of all I suggest you seek the Lord and ask Him to guide you. The weight loss battle is a very difficult one and it is different for everyone. I can only tell you of my own experience with it so far. This can be a very controversial subject with some people too. I had to do a lot of research and studying, and mostly praying, before I even considered going through this. But I don't have any regrets and I am looking forward to getting down to a healthier weight and getting off the final blood pressure medication I've been on. And I plan to be around a long time to continue to share my sad, strange sense of humor with whoever reads my blog!! :)

Failure

I saw the following quote today and have been thinking on it quite a bit:

Henry Ford: "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

I have failed many times. I've failed my husband, my children, my friends and family, and most of all, to my shame, I have failed my Saviour.

How thankful I am for grace and mercy and for a Heavenly Father that loves us in spite of our mistakes!

I guess I can honestly say that a day does not go by where I fail in some way. There are days when I am impatient with my kids, less than submissive to my husband, distant from the Lord - and that is really where it all starts. The closer I draw to Him, the less I fail those who are around me.

I recently started teaching a children's church class on Wednesday nights for ages 6-7.5. It's a big class and when things get boring for them, and I don't keep the lesson interesting and moving along, I can quickly lose control. That is what happened last week. The service went a little longer than usual in the auditorium, and the kids grew impatient - and I ran out of material. The noise began to escalate, the kids began an uprising - surely they were going to take me out!! I began to fear for my safety!! Oh, when would those parents get here to pick up their little demons, I mean children??? Well, the class finally ended, the last little person was claimed by their owner - and I went home and took a tranquilizer. But yesterday evening when it was time to teach again I was SO ready for them. I had my lesson all ready, had extra material to study in case the service went longer than usual - and here's the clincher: I bribed them. Yup, I resorted to good 'ol bribery to get them to behave. I told them if they as a whole behaved, that after class they would get an extra treat!! Well, things went much better and other than a few disturbances (which I quickly squashed) the little darlings did beautifully. And I didn't even need a tranquilizer this time!! LOL!

I guess you could say that I learned from my mistakes, as is quoted at the beginning of this post. One of my other favorite quotes is this:

"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." Anne Shirley

So, even when we fail, even if our entire day is a disaster, we can go to a loving God, ask Him to forgive us and help us try again - and get up the next morning with another chance to make things right. I'm so thankful for that!!

In His Care ~ Beth ~

The Benefits of Schooling Year-Round

During this time of the year we go to a lot of graduations and we hear a lot of homeschoolers say that they are done with school for the year. That is the norm, I guess, but the Grove family is anything BUT normal!!

In the past ten years of homeschooling we have only taken one summer break, and that was by default. Last summer was so chaotic - we were in the middle of moving when my Mother got sick and died - and out of necessity I packed up the books for most of the summer. The kids were not happy when I insisted on getting those boxes out of storage in June!

I decided the first year of "official" homeschooling that we would have school year-round. It immediately took the pressure off of me to be "done". We typically have school 4 days a week, on the days Daddy has to work, which is Tuesday through Saturday. Sunday is, of course, the Lord's Day, and Monday and Tuesday are Daddy Days. Interestingly enough the kids are often learning something new that day from their beloved Daddy as he is always in "teaching" mode. He's one of the best teachers I have ever known - so eager and ready to teach in any given moment. The kids love it. Anyway, that is another post!

The benefits for schooling year-round (for us) are that we can take off days as needed for errands, field trips, vacations, holidays, illness - or if we just "feel" like skipping school, LOL! I take advantage of days when the weather is poor because the kids obviously cannot be outside as much then. So we might have a little extra reading or writing those days, or art projects. (By the way, I don't "do" art - I just make the materials available, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, glue, tape, construction paper, etc. - and the kids come up with their own projects. Sometimes Alicia will oversee projects she finds from books.) I'm amazed at what the kids come up with for art sometimes.

There are a lot of days in the summer that are just too hot to play outside, so often on those days you'll find us with our nose in a book. There's nothing better than reading away a hot, lazy summer day in front of a fan, with an icy cold beverage.

So, in a nutshell, that is why we homeschool year-round. It works for us!

Frugality and Common Sense

I read an article today about people who routinely go dumpster-diving to find food and other things they need. The woman featured in the article was not poor or homeless or even down on her luck - she just chooses to do this for the sake of frugality. I don't know if I agree with her mentality but I do know this - people tend to throw away perfectly good stuff all the time. All one needs to do is drive around during "clean-up week" and see the evidence on the berms of every yard in town.

I think it's very easy to get an upside-down view of "needs" versus "wants" in America. I remember after our fourth child was born, our oldest daughter was mortified to see me resort to using cloth diapers during a difficult financial stretch we were going through. I laughed at her expression as I diapered our youngest and told her that when she was born, I almost always used cloth diapers. Her grimace only deepened!! Then I told her when I was a baby, disposable diapers were unheard of! It was a good moment to teach her about needs versus wants.

We live in a small town, so the grocery prices here are higher than they are at the larger stores in the larger town my husband works in. I almost always purchase items on sale, and once a month or so I go to Wal-Mart or one of the bigger stores (like Cash-Wise) and stock up on staples and bulk items. I recently got the largest sizes of rice, sugar, flour, pancake mix, syrup, boxed cereals, and a few other things that we always use. It's so easy to whip up a batch of pancakes for a quick meal around here. And the kids love them for breakfast!

I don't know if I'll ever resort to actual dumpster-diving, but I'm not opposed to utilizing the thrift stores (I LOVE going there!) or things like eBay, Craigslist, and FreeCycle. As a matter of fact, our dryer just died - and I am picking up a used one today from someone on my FreeCycle list! I'm so thankful!

I could write lots more about this but my hubby wants the computer. Or does he need the computer? Hmmm...